Often times, when a woman is being harassed, abused, violated publicly, I am appalled by the people that stand by...spectators to the 'sport'...like they are watching a movie or intense debate...not cheering, not consciously picking a team, not taking action in valuing human life, yet subconsciously acknowledging that, 'Hey...sometimes situations happen but it has nothing to do with me so I don't interfere; thats how folks lose their life'. Never thinking that lost life is increasingly true about the person being violated, right now and how that impacts various members of the village. Which made me meditate on the village and want to take this space to give more thought to the origin of these unchecked situations before they ever go full on public...and what you or any other member of community of any form, can do with what you see that's gone too far.
When it happened to me in my apartment I fought, yelled, cursed, until he ran and fled the premises. Totally oblivious of my environment or any responsibility, caught inside of the conflict I recalled my neighbors hearing it, looking at me in disbelief like I was a bull charging through the hall and running for cover in their apartments. All I can remember hearing were the echoes of my strong cries, the loud clank of neighbors locking the deadbolt on their doors and the elevator doors closing, finally sealing him off from the corridor of my home. It wouldn't be long before just two doors down from me, I heard a man beating a woman and a frantic dog into the walls of his apartment, amplified by her dull moans and gutteral screams, in the middle of day when everyone else was at work. I stepped into the hall to hear the clarity of the situation and was disgusted at the idea that her vocalization remotely sounded like pleasure. After confirming what I knew I was hearing, I called security--whose number I had on speed dial-- who in turn called the law. When security initially arrived I directed her to the apartment where it was all going down and starting from the unmistakeable authoritative knock, the noise stopped. The woman who had been beaten was removed from the apartment, and escorted past my peephole where I caught a glimpse of her swollen face before she reappeared in view of my living room window with her luggage as the police took her away from this 'man'...who by the way just got a firm talking to and was released. I was disturbed and triggered by memory from this incident and literally felt I had no other choice to help this woman who will never know who heard her weary moans for help and responded to them best she could stomach at the time.
For every violent act there is always a long history of enduring abuse of some sort, just like for every heroic act there is always a cognizant history of valiant survival.
When it happened to me again in broad daylight on a high traffic street, I was holding my son as he was trying to snatch him and knock me down stepping on the backs of my heels for walking away, talking shyt the whole time. I saw cars stop, heard women scream, saw people point and try and 'figure out' what they should do and wanted to talk with me afterwards to find out what it was about. Instead I asked in anger, "How come not a single one of you said a damn thing to him? HE needs to hear your disapproval, not me!!! I'm living it!". To this day I have just ONE man friend who has EVER said anything to him about it and I don't know of any men who have talked to him when he repeated his actions on the young woman he dated after me. Truth of the matter is it would take a few close friends to ease into telling me that he obviously has an unchecked mental health issue that has gone undiagnosed and untreated and that his behavior resembled that of a psychopath because that is very well where his mind is when he is triggered and wanting to avoid responsibility.
When verbally abusive arguments happened in the presence of his family members they had no answers and all they could ask is what it was that I DID to provoke him, with blunt saucy instructions given on how to be more ladylike in the face of his rage for the next time he wanted to harass or assault me in some way, because after all, we all 'know how he can be'. During my quiet times in protection of myself and my son, I recalled the other men that I knew 'how they can be' and at least two have served or are currently serving jail time for repeating the actions they saw in their household on women they 'loved'.
Now to be clear, I had 'friends' during this time who:
blamed me
unfriended me in real life
reminded me that being feisty like I am, it was bound to happen
extended help to him to help him get back on his feet
uninvited me to events because they invited him instead
accused me of being a tad dramatic
judged me for attempting to protect myself
tried to secretly set us up while under an order of protection so our surprise seeing each other would miraculously end in us 'working it all out'
abandoned me in my emotional state giving me a 'this too shall pass' speech and ghosting me afterwards
secretly gossiped about me with their boyfriends and others, making arguments to choose the team they side with, for whose fault it was
It's as if they were watching a bad movie like it was reality tv, instead of truly considering what I, as a human, was experiencing which was living inside a bad movie, that reminded me of some situations they'd never show on 'reality' tv.
At a certain point I wanted to say it felt like everyone looked on in my moments of need, but thats not true. I know myself as being uber resilient and yet often because of the strength a woman has to find in order to claim some day-to-day resolve to keep going during the extreme insecurity and vulnerability she feels from the trauma, no one considers that she's fragile enough to break into pieces publicly or even worse privately and thus with the lack of their support in SOME way, she doesn't get to experience the safety, protection, love and care she's been stripped of during the incident. She often has to refit the pieces together herself and in my experience, thats just as traumatizing as all else that has already happened.
I began to ponder what are the answers and the ways in which she can be helped and cared for so she can heal physically, emotionally, psychologically, even if nothing can be done to change him in those in between moments? And then I recalled my TRIBE and some of the things they did to support me during this time, like:
held me in comfort during my hours of pain and confusion
provided kind words, gestures and love consistently by phone, visit, mail, email, text and impromptu outings
used their healing gifts of reiki and massage to keep the energy moving and tend to my bruised spots when it felt like everything else was falling apart
advocated for me, to him, by vocalizing his abuse of me back to him when public arguments arose out of a continued need for control so he would be aware that MANY knew of his madness and to resist his private rage
extended their homes for me to stay so during the weekend when I was off work I wouldn't have to hear repeated knocks at my door harassing me while I was incubating and establishing a few moments of peace
worked their spirit rituals to ensure enhanced outcomes for me while I healed
shared their stories with me so I'd know I wasn't alone, wasn't crazy, wasn't a loser and it wasn't my fault, as well as to provide evidence of the beautiful life that goes on after healing
held space for me to cry, vent, scream, vocalize regularly if I wanted
provided rides to and from the courthouse, stayed with me in support at the courthouse and extended legal counsel to assist in my process in any way
honored and celebrated my strength, courage, wisdom and growth they saw occurring in my life from the constant connection with my yoga practice
supported my desire to have spaces to help others get through, deal and move on powerfully
Some of my 'friends' did things from both the first and second list and were regularly reminded of protocol and boundaries in this aspect of my healing process. On the other end of this, I don't tolerate abuse from anyone and am a huge advocate and healer for those who wish to acknowledge, maintain, recover and balance their mental, emotional, physical, spiritual health.
Why do you need to know this? Not for my sake solely, but for EVERY SINGLE TIME someone is abused in front of you, around you, to your knowledge or by you, for you to think, 'What can I do right now to provide the greatest good of the situation and return safety, as if they/I were doing this TO me?'. If you don't have an answer to that, don't stand there and tape it, take pictures of it...defer your power to motivate the next person who may know what to do now. And for those going thru abuse, it takes a village to help and heal...but you've gotta be honest about ur needs no matter how it makes you look...you've gotta trust and be willing to be helped to get to the next step, and you've gotta take the time to #healyoursoul Love you all and thank you for listening <3
Comments